Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
