Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
