Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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