There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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