Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
