At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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