My room smells like vodka and shame
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
