just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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