I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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