What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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