i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you didnt know i had herpes?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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