She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
