Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
