: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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