If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
