whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
