FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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