There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
