I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
