Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
