A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
