"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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