you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize