I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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