Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you mean i was at the winter classic?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There's even glitter on my cock...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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