Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
