you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
