Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
