i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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