i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Randomize
