I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
