One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
