I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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