You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I cut my penus on the lid.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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