You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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