Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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