That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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