I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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