Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
please don't ironically join a cult
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