Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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