i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
