im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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