I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
