for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
