My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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