Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
