eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
