I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
