i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
