Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
