my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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