Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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