i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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