If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
