mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Randomize
