I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
