I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
