Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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