The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
