I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize