So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
