I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
