How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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