I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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