Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize