This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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