i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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