for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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