i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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