Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
